A list of constantly updated CV tips from the desk of “Pebble MKrit”

1. DO NOT put your school history first, make your employment history newest to oldest, no one gives a fuck what you did at school or if you have provincial colors in tennis

2. Make sure you have a cover letter about 1/2 or 1 page full, just replace job you’re applying for, have a good motivational text and include how you can help the business. Taking the time to write something like this looks good.

3. Add a color photo to the first page of your CV not matter how fucking ugly you are (top right, size of ID photo is a good place). Also make sure your first page contains a summary about you, use space effectively. Employers don’t want to read 3 fucking pages of shit to find out you don’t have your own transport.

4. Not everyone wants to get an email with 20,000 fucking recommendation letters totally 40Mbyte, summarize them and say they’re available on request …. do NOT for the LOVE OF GOD include your school certificates or matric results, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE AS DUMB AS SHIT or FAILED fucking “Life Science”

5. Use PDF for your document format …. no funny formats which display all fucked up (ie. MS Word), on that note format the CV in one standard way, don’t underline half of it and bold the rest. For fuck sake if you are applying for a job in IT and don’t know the difference between bold and underline, there is no fucking hope for you

6. Summarize of ALL the software packages you’ve used and in a brief way how you used them, very useful if you’re applying for any IT related job , also list any hardware knowledge you may have. An employer is going to weigh your application higher if you’ve used 1 more software package than someone else if you’re on par with them.

7. Using a light background image gives a CV that extra attractiveness.

8. Number your FUCKING PAGES!!!!

9. Include DATES with previous experience and don’t put down shit like “Reason for leaving: Will be discussed at interview” ….. you sound like a criminal/rapist (see #16)

10. Excessive color hurts the fucking eyes

11. Don’t make the person reading your CV have to ZOOM IN or buy a fucking magnifying glass to read your CV

12. For the LOVE OF GOD format your CV nicely …. reiteration of #5

13. If an advert is placed for “CAPE TOWN” and is marked “URGENT” … DO NOT PUT ON YOUR CV “Address: xxxxx, yyyy, Pretoria”. When I see “Pretoria” for a “Cape Town” job, I file13 you. I don’t care if you moving tomorrow, I’m sure as hell not calling every single applicant to find out. State your circumstance clearly.

14. What fucking planet are you from replying to a job advert with “I’m interested. Please contact me.”??? I sit with 700 applicants, I will give you the same 3 seconds of time you put into your reply …. click … move … trash.

15. Submit a 1 page CV? is it a joke? do you think its funny? my delete button is just 1 click away…. *CLICK* … woops. Make an effort next time.

16. Include ALL your references, DO NOT leave them out. Give names, details companies, position you were in and the number of years you worked there. Why you left or were fired. 3 lines of information per reference looks nice. HOLES in your history DO NOT look nice. What did you do between 2003 and 2005? sit on your ass all day feeling sorry for yourself?

17. So you have a work permit allowing you to work as an “Electrical Engineer”, that states “May ONLY be employed in the position of Electrical Engineer”. Why the fuck are you applying for a position “Technical Support”? can you READ? I guess not.

18. So you were sent a questionnaire to fill out, and you decided to reply “I cannot open it” or “I am on my phone and cannot see the attachment”. Let me remind you that you applied for a job in fucking “IT SUPPORT”. You are telling me you cannot help yourself to open a file saved in a MAJOR open format? and want to whine about it? Fuck off and go waste someone elses time. *CLICK* *DELETE*

(Copied and pasted with permission from Pebble MKrit)